


Be Careful What You Wish For

by sfscarlet



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: M/M, community: qaf_giftxchnge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-07 01:08:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17356091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sfscarlet/pseuds/sfscarlet
Summary: Written for Qaf Gift Exchange-  for Kate Anders-  AU What if Justin didn't go back after Brian threw him out when he found out he had cancer.





	Be Careful What You Wish For

“Brian, I’m your partner,” Justin said.

“Not anymore. I don’t want you here. Now get the fuck out.”

“Cut it out.”

“Get the fuck out. I don’t want you here. Get the fuck out.”

“I love you and I want to help you.”

“Get the fuck out.” 

Justin sat in Daphne’s spare room relieving his evening. Brian had tossed him out. He could kill Michael. They had agreed to keep it to themselves, but no Michael had to let Brian know he was sick and now he was out of Brian’s life. Mr. perfect couldn’t let anyone see him when he wasn't 100%. Not that he cared that Justin had seen him when he was so hung over that his skin reeked of alcohol or the innumerable times that they had gotten only 2 hours of sleep due to their fucking all night and he looked like death warmed over. Brian didn’t want anyone to see him when he was vulnerable. 

Damn him. Damn him. No, not really. He already had cancer. Shit! I need to be with him, help him through this. He’ll be in denial that anything is wrong or that he needs help. 

Justin sat on the steps of the building, knees brought to his chest and put his head in his hands allowing the tears of frustration, anger, and fear fall from his eyes. He didn’t know how long he sat there, but eventually, he realized he needed to move. This was not the best place to be seen crying on a doorstep. Someone would likely be calling the police, thinking he was homeless and then that would bring another shit storm. He needed to get home. 

Getting off the bus at Daphne’s apartment, he unlocked the door, undecided if he wanted her there or would rather be alone. Of course, he knew the choice was not his, but he still thought about the options. This small distraction helped take away the jumbled thoughts in his head. When he opened the door, Daphne was laying on the couch with her headphones on, Turning toward the door, she acknowledged him as he walked in and returned to her music.

At least a moment of reprieve. He walked back to the bedroom and lay down on his back, closing his eyes and falling asleep. He wasn’t sure how long he slept, but when he woke up his stomach was growling like a bear and his bladder was knocking very loudly. After relieving himself, he walked toward the kitchen, finding Daphne there standing by the stove cooking Mac and Cheese. 

“You’re up. I was going to wake you in a few. I’m making Mac and Cheese. Want some?”

Justin opened his mouth to decline, but his stomach took that moment to growl and he said, “Okay.”

“Grab us some bowls and something to drink. I want some ice tea, but I think there are a few beers left over from the party. Karen sent them home with me. She said they would be too much of a temptation if they are in her fridge. Evidently, alcohol of any kind is good enough. Honestly, I didn’t really like it, it's too thick, looks like motor oil.”

“That’s because you do not have discriminating taste. It’s Guinness, a dark beer and it happens to be very good. I think I will have a bottle or three,” Justin said as he opened the fridge to see 3 bottles on the shelf. Bringing a bottle to the table, he placed it by the bowl Daphne had filled with the Mac and Cheese. He returned to the fridge and grabbed the pitcher of tea and proceeded to pour her a glass. After placing the tea back in the fridge, he set down her glass on the table as well. 

Daphne took a few bites of her food and drank some tea. “How was your day? How many times did you and Brian do it today? I swear I should keep a running tally. I bet you could earn a place in Guinness Book of World Records. Is that the same people who make that nasty beer?”

Justin ate a few bites, but despite his stomach’s protest, he just didn’t feel like eating. “Brian and I didn’t have sex today nor will we likely ever again,”  
Justin said softly. He could feel the tears welling in his eyes but attempted to push them back. Daphne had seen him cry with frustration, hurt and anger as well as shout with happiness and triumph. She, of all the people in his life, would not be put off by his tears. 

“What happened? You guys were doing so well.” Daphne hated to see her friend so unhappy. She liked Brian but sometimes he really yanked her best friend’s chain and she would like to put him in his place.

“Cancer happened.”

“What?”

“Cancer. Yeah, sucks. He’s got fucking Cancer and he is so stubborn, he kicked me out. Seems the great Brian Kinney doesn’t need any help, can do everything by himself. He just doesn’t want anyone to see him when he isn’t perfect.”

“That sucks, Justin. I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do? Maybe he’ll change his mind.”

“No, there is nothing you or anyone can do. I’m not going to fight him on this. I’m tired of fighting. If he wants me then he’ll have to come after me. Since Brian Kinney doesn’t chase anyone, I guess we are done.”

“Oh, Justin….” Daphne got up and hugged Justin. Justin moved to her embrace and allowed the tears to fall, giving into his emotions. He cried for ten minutes and then pulled away.

“I can remember when I was in high school. I thought he was amazing and every night I’d go to Babylon and wonder if he’d ignore me or take me home to fuck. Every time he chose me, I got a little more confident that he really wanted me there. 

After the bashing, he took me in, made me whole. Sure, my mom asked him to take me and he did. But we all know Brian Kinney doesn’t do anything he doesn’t want. He was there for me when I was hurt. Do you know he used to hold me when I would have nightmares and he would come home in the middle of the afternoon just to make sure I was okay and wouldn’t be alone all day. The man is so generous. Why won’t he let me help him?”

“It's Brian; he's proud he doesn't want anybody to think that he needs help.”

“I know but I can't sit around and watch him go through this on his own. It'll kill me.” Justin grabbed a Kleenex and blew his nose. He took another one and wiped his eyes. 

“Justin…”

“Daphne, let me just … I don’t know. It hurts. He needs me, doesn’t he know that he needs me?”

“I’m sure he’ll change his mind. Just wait a few days. I’m sure he’ll call,” Daphne said as she finished her Mac and Cheese. “You haven’t even touched your food. Justin Taylor not eating, the world is coming to an end,” Daphne said as she looked at her friend. 

“I’m just not sure I want him to call. If he can’t trust me when he is really sick, what makes you think he wants me around when he is well?”

“Justin, give it time. I’m sure he will…”

“I don’t want to talk about it. I’m going out.” He stood up, scraped the food on his plate into the garbage and grabbed a light jacket, his keys and cell phone. 

“Be careful. I’ll be here.”

“Okay,” he said, but not sure if he would ever be whole again. Damn, you Brian Kinney for making me care about you when you don’t care about yourself.

Justin left Daphne’s apartment, walking down the street. He didn’t have a destination in mind, but he knew he didn’t want to go to Liberty Avenue. He didn’t want to meet any of the gang, fearful that he would spill Brian’s secret. He knew Brian would not tell anyone about his Cancer and while Justin was angry, hurt and disillusioned, he would not intentionally hurt him. He walked for hours and eventually returned to Daphne’s, exhaustion overtaking his body. Letting himself in, he walked to the bathroom, stripping and then stepping into the shower. As he soaped himself he thought of Brian’s hands sliding over his body, his cock grew hard, but he ignored it, hitting his hand against the wall of the shower, tears streaking his cheeks. 

After a while, he turned off the water, grabbed the towel, and dried off. He went to the bedroom, pulled back the blanket and crawled inside. He didn’t have anywhere he needed to be and wasn’t sure he could think anymore. He tossed and turned, but eventually, he fell asleep. He slept until late the following afternoon. It took a few minutes for him to orient himself, and he cursed under his breath. Brian had Cancer and he had kicked him out. 

He rummaged around the floor and found his underwear, putting them on. He stood up and made his way to the bathroom, taking care of his needs. He brushed his teeth and looked himself in the mirror. He looked like shit and felt that way. He stepped in the shower again, hoping he would feel more human when he got out. 

He couldn’t think; he was so confused. He loved Brian, but he couldn’t wait for him. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to. He needed to move on with his life. It was time. The water sluiced over him, washing away the sleep from his body. He dried off and returned to his room, planning on dressing and going out to the store to buy some paints, but his bed called and he climbed in again. Justin would sleep for a few hours, look at the clock, think about getting up, but inertia would take over and he would roll over and go back to sleep. 

Daphne came home in the early evening, not surprised to find Justin still in bed. She knew her friend wanted to be with Brian and was worried about him, but she understood where he was coming from. Brian was generous but he also could be a real shit. Right now, he wasn’t thinking, he was pushing Justin off the proverbial cliff and this time Justin was willing to fall and not fight to climb back up. It was painful for her to watch, but she knew she had to keep quiet. She could no longer make Brian keep Justin around than she could make Justin whole. 

She went into the kitchen and ordered pizza. Justin and she could have a girl’s night and watch rom com movies as they lusted after the male leads. The smell of pizza wafted through the apartment and Justin’s stomach reacted to the hefty aroma. He sat up in bed, feeling even more out of it then he had earlier in the afternoon. Grabbing some sweats and a ratty T, he made his way to the bathroom again, brushed his teeth and used the toilet. 

“Come join me on the sofa. I rented us some movies and I thought we could pop some popcorn after we ate dinner.” Daphne patted the space next to her on the couch. 

Justin realized he was actually hungry since he really hadn’t eaten much the night before and had slept all day. “Thanks.”

They ate pizza and hung out, not talking about the pink elephant in the room. 

“Don’t you have classes? You really shouldn’t stop school just because Brian is being a martyr.”

“Yeah. I just needed to get my head on straight. I’ll go tomorrow. I’ve got a big project due in a week. If my work is good enough, the professor said that the top three students will be entered into this national competition. He hinted that I may really be in the running.”

“That sounds great. Will there be a show?”

“Yep. At the end of the semester. I have the basic idea worked out, but it’s going to take some time to complete. If I have any hope of getting in the competition, I better do some serious studio time.” Justin leaned over and kissed Daphne on the cheek. “Thanks for reminding me. I know I have goals and a life without Brian, but I always hoped… “ Tears started welling in his eyes, but he wiped them away. “I’m not going to do this. I can’t let Brian decide how I should live my life. He obviously doesn’t want me in his.” Justin yawned and stretched his arms over his head. “I’m going to bed. The next few weeks are going to be busy.”

“Night, Justin.”

Justin slept better but still felt groggy in the morning. He thought maybe he’d had too much sleep. He’d read somewhere that sleeping too much was just as bad as not sleeping enough. He’d frequently tell Brian that his body required at least 8 hours of sleep and it really didn’t matter what time they went to bed, he wouldn't wake up until he’d had at least 8 hours of sleep. When he was forced to get up before he’d had 8 hours, he was difficult to live with. He started to get up but just couldn’t get the energy and roll over again. He woke again in the middle of the night, got up and used the bathroom. He thought about going to school and working on his project but decided it could wait until the morning. In the morning, his alarm went off, and he buried himself under his pillow, still not ready to face his life.

After the third day, Daphne came into his room and pulled off his comforter and he tried to bury his head under his pillow. Daphne grabbed his pillow.  
“Time for you to get up. You’ve wasted three days on Brian Kinney and he’s not worth it. You have a life to lead and if he isn’t going to include you, then you need to move on. Get your ass out of bed and win that prize.”

“Daphne, I’m tired. Leave me alone,” Justin said as he tried to grab for the pillow.

“No, you are not tired. You’ve done nothing but sleep for the last three days. I’m not going to let you throw your life away because Brian can’t get his head out of his ass. Now, get up.”

Justin sat up and got out of bed, walking to the bathroom to get cleaned up.

“I’m making pancakes and you’ll have time to catch the 8:50 bus if you move fast enough,” She called to Justin through the closed door.

Justin showered and ate the pancakes, then grabbed his backpack and caught the bus to PIFA. He attended his classes and met with his teachers, explaining that he’d had a family emergency, as the reason for his extended absence. Since he was a good student, they accepted his story but urged him to catch up with the work he missed. His painting professor reminded him of the upcoming deadline for the contest and urged him to enter his work. 

After classes, he went to the studio and spent the remainder of the day there working on his project and completing his school assignments. For the next week, he spent all his free time in the studio working on the project and was able to turn it in just before the 5:00 pm deadline at the end of the following week.

He was so engrossed in his school work and completing the project, he’d not thought about Brian very often. In the back of his mind, he’d hoped that Brian would have called and told him he made a mistake, but as the days moved forward and he did not hear from him, he realized that Brian had moved on. 

*******************************************

Brian had a headache and he felt like he’d been run over by a truck. Ted had put him in a cab after his first treatment and he’d spent the rest of the day alternating between the couch and the bathroom. He wasn’t sure if he could do this for 6 weeks but he knew that if wanted to be there for Gus, he needed to survive. After 5 hours in the bathroom, he didn’t think he had anything left in his stomach to throw up and he passed out on his bed.

The next day, he repeated the routine, going for radiation and then to the office. On the second day, he’d only lasted 2 hours before Ted called a cab for him. 

“Brian, let me come home with you,” Ted asked.

“No, I’ll be fine.”

“You’re not fine, Brian. You can barely stand and sweat is pouring off your skin.”

“I said I’m fine, Theodore. Just call me a cab.”

“Okay, boss.” Ted was worried about his friend and wondered if he should call Michael or Justin to come stay with Brian. But Brian had been adamant that he didn’t need anyone’s help, so Ted just called the cab and told Brian he would see him in the morning.

The next day, Brian could barely move. Two days of emptying the contents of his stomach and laying on the tiles of the bathroom floor had already taken their toll. He called Ted and told him he wasn’t coming in for the remainder of the week. He called a cab to take him to radiation and then a cab took him home. 

On the fifth day of Brian’s radiation torture, he wasn’t sure if all his misery was worth it. He decided that he wanted to see Gus grow up so he would continue. He made it through the radiation and subsequent worship of the porcelain god for three hours and then collapsed onto his bed and slept. When he woke, he was sticky and sweaty and really wanted a shower, but wasn’t sure if he could make it to the bathroom, much less stand for a shower. He turned over and returned to sleep, hoping the next time he woke he’d have more energy. 

When he woke in the morning, he was weak but he did make it to the shower and enjoyed a quick rinse before he was so tired that he could barely stand. Sitting on the toilet as he dried his body, he put his head between his legs as he was feeling dizzy. Once the dizziness passed, he carefully made his way to the kitchen and fixed some toast. He managed to eat the toast but this exhausted him and he returned to bed to sleep for several hours. 

When he woke late in the afternoon, he felt a little better. He realized that he didn’t have any radiation that day and his body was starting to slowly recover. Of course, he realized too that in two days this horror would start all over again. 

He called the grocery store and had them deliver food. He wasn’t up to cooking, that was something Justin liked to do, but he did order fruit and some ready-made food to eat. He knew that the likelihood of him having an appetite was slim but at least he could pretend that he would get some nourishment. 

Thoughts of food brought him back to Justin. If Justin were here, he would try to get him to eat. He’d likely spout some PSA about the importance of eating to keep his strength up, etc, etc. But Justin didn’t need to see him like this. Justin didn’t need to see Brian throwing up, fighting cancer and coddling him. He was young and he would be so much better off if he did not have Brian in his life. 

He ate an egg and some more toast, then turned on the classic movie channel as he rested on the couch His thoughts turned to Justin. In the back of his mind, he wished that he’d let him stay, but he’d thrown him out and Justin had not pushed. Maybe Justin didn’t really want to be with him. He was right to kick him out. Justin was young and didn’t need or want to be saddled with a guy with one ball. Brian Kinney was no longer perfection and why would a 20-year-old want to be saddled with half a man. He fell asleep thinking of Justin but accepting he was now gone from his life.

********************************************************

Justin

Justin finished the semester. He missed Brian and wondered how he was handling the treatments, but with each passing day, he realized that he would never hear from him again. It hurt to think that Brian thought so little of their relationship that he’d just let him go. 

He still worked at the diner and he occasionally saw Michael there. He wanted to ask Michael how Brian was handling things, but he didn’t want to admit that he didn’t know how Brian was. He also wasn’t sure that anyone really knew why Brian was absent from their little world. He heard Emmett and Debbie speculate about Brian’s absence, but no one seemed to want to go check on him. Maybe Brian had told Cynthia to tell everyone he was in a meeting and couldn’t be disturbed, but he found it odd that no one bothered going to the loft to check on him. Justin realized that he’d been around only a short time and that Brian’s absence may not be treated as unusual. He determined that his friends chalked it up to being busy with business and thought he would come out of seclusion when he had time. 

Justin tried not to think of Brian too often and usually managed to succeed, but occasionally a random phrase from one of the gang or seeing a man in a nice Armani suit would jog his memory. He could feel himself getting hard when he thought of Brian and he cursed his body for its betrayal.

The contest winners would be announced after graduation and Justin was very busy finishing up his studies and working at the diner. He hadn’t told anyone but Daphne about the contest as he didn’t want anyone to be disappointed. 

*************************************************

Brian

Brian had finished his radiation and had somehow survived the ordeal without anyone’s help. Well, he did have Ted’s help, but that was mostly having him keep the cabs running. He was busy working at Kinnetik and was glad that no one had questioned his lengthy absences. 

He called Cynthia into his office and reviewed his upcoming week and the status of his current clients. He went to his Keurig and made a cup of coffee, pouring 3 packets of sugar into the concoction. He blew on the hot beverage and brought it to his desk. Opening his computer, he clicked on the local news. After reading the business section, he moved to his emails and started reading those. He felt his jaw tightening as he read emails from Remson and Eyeconic questioning some aspects of the new campaign. He’d been too sick to really work on these campaigns and had left them to Ted and Cynthia. He trusted them and knew that it was most likely company jitters that were the reason behind the emails. Regardless of the reason, he spent the morning reviewing the new campaigns and “holding hands” with both CEO’s. 

As the week progressed, it was like he was never absent from work and his life personal life was back to normal. Of course, he didn’t have Justin in his life, but no one knew that and he surely wasn’t going to enlighten anyone. Let them think they parted ways, as that was true to an extent. It was just not a mutual parting. 

As the week ended, he decided that he wanted to check out Babylon. He’d been given the okay to resume activities from his doctor and he missed his favorite playground. After work, he went home and ordered Thai food. When it was ordered, the delivery guy brought two orders: Curry Chicken and Fried Pineapple Chicken. 

“I didn’t order the Fried Pineapple,” he said as he opened the bag.

“This is the order you’ve been getting for three years. Our cook must have thought it was a mistake and you forgot to order it,” The delivery man said. “I will take it back.”

“No, that’s fine.” Brian handed the man sufficient money to cover the food and the tip and brought the food into the kitchen. He placed the Fried Pineapple Chicken in the fridge. Maybe now that things were back to normal, he could get Justin to come over. He had survived cancer and he wondered if Justin would still want him. He wasn’t sure he would, but he would think about seeing if he was available. 

**********************************************  
Justin

 

The judging was done behind the scenes and the participants were not going to be told the results until the evening of the opening. Daphne had gone with him to the opening for moral support, but he wasn’t expecting anything. He walked through the gallery, admiring the work of his fellow students. There were some really interesting pieces and he admired all the hard work that had gone into the pieces. They walked toward the reception area when it was time for the announcements to be made. The students all gathered in the area, eagerly waiting for the awards. 

“And the winner of this year’s competition is Justin Taylor.”

“Oh my, Justin, you won! You Won!! I’m so proud of you.”

A brief surge of happiness came over him. He wished Brian was here as Brian had believed in celebrating success. A sadness came over him as he realized Brian was out of his life and would never celebrate his successes again. 

“Let’s go celebrate. Let’s go dance at Babylon. I want to shake my tail feathers,” Justin said

“Oh great. Let’s put on our dancing clothes and maybe you’ll get lucky,” Daphne said.

“Sounds like a plan. I know you just love watching all those gorgeous men,” Justin teased. He was happy that Daphne liked dancing at Babylon and didn’t feel weird with all the ineligible men there.

Daphne and Justin went to her apartment, got some dinner and dressed for Babylon. They arrived about 10:30 and the bouncer lifted the rope to allow them in. The bouncer acknowledged Justin. “Have a great time, Justin. I think I saw Brian come in a few minutes ago.”

The words cut right through him, Brian was here. He wanted to see him but he did not want to see him. Maybe he should leave. Daphne looked at Justin, watching for any signs of distress, but all she saw was determination. Justin wasn’t going to change his life to avoid Brian and she was proud of him. 

“Coming?”

Justin hesitated, but then took a deep breath and said, “Yeah.”

He walked toward the dance floor, going to the back away from the bar, hoping to avoid Brian and the gang. He danced for an hour and then headed to the bar for a bottle of water. He was thirsty and drank deeply, closing his eyes as he listened to the thumpa thumpa.

He felt a tap on his shoulder and he turned. “Brian,”

“Justin. Funny thing happened today. I ordered some Thai tonight and the delivery guy brought Pineapple Fried Chicken along with my Curry Chicken. Thought you might like to come over and eat it. You know how I hate that Pineapple shit.”

“What the fuck, Brian. You kick me out, tell me never to come back and now here you are asking if I want to come over for Thai.”

Brian smirked and said, “Yes. So what do you say? Want to come to rescue some Thai?”

“No. Now, I’m going to dance.” Justin turned and returned to the dance floor, leaving Brian at the bar. 

Brian smiled as he looked at Justin. He knew Justin was mad, but he thought he’d get over it. Brian made his way to the bar and ordered a shot of Beam, drank it and then ordered a second one. Making his way to the back room, he lost himself in a random ass and enjoyed a tab of E before leaving for the night.  
*******************************************

The prize for the contest was a two week trip to New York and a meeting with an agent. The agent specialized in working with up and coming artists and he met with all the winners of the Art Institutes around the country. 

He loved working with the young students; their enthusiasm wasn’t jaded by the art world and their cutthroat culture. He had a knack for finding those special few that had the drive and talent to make it big. Hoping one of this year’s winners would be one of them, he looked at his calendar to review his day’s agenda. His first student was Justin Taylor. The piece Justin had submitted was amazing and he thought this man had passion and talent way beyond his years. 

Justin arrived in his office early Monday morning and they were immediately trusting of each other. Darren, the agent, was impressed by Justin’s poise and liked that he wasn’t intimidated by New York and the art world. Soon Darren was taking him to galleries and showing his winning piece. After a few meetings with gallery staff, Justin was offered to be a part of a show in three months. Justin was ecstatic and eager to return home to begin work. 

When he got home, Daphne met him at the airport and wanted to hear all about New York. 

“It was great, Daph. Darren, he’s the agent, took all of us to MOMA and then we did a tour of some of the major galleries in New York. I’ve never seen so much talent hanging in one place. There were seven of us in this group, all of us winners of the Petrov prize. Darren spent time with each of us individually, talking about our dreams, goals, and visions. Then he took us to some galleries that he thought might be willing to show our work. There is a whole network of gallery shows that specialize in up and coming artists. There literally is something for everyone.”

“I’m so proud of you, Jus. I know you will go far,” Daphne said as she hugged him in the terminal. Let’s get your bags and then we can go celebrate again. I think sharing your success is just what you need.”

The words hit Justin like a ton of bricks. Celebrating success; those are the words that Brian would use as a reason to have a party. Brian had always told him he was brilliant and Justin had known he had talent, but there was always a part of him that balked thinking that Brian was somewhat humoring him. He knew better as Brian was always brutally honest, never placating him or anyone else. He would do anything for his family but lie. He wouldn’t lie. 

Well, maybe he did lie as he didn’t tell anyone of his illness. Was lying in omission the same as lying about events? He wasn’t sure. A sadness hit him when he realized that he wasn’t going to share this event with Brian, but Brian had made it abundantly clear that Justin was not welcome in his life. Justin was not going to show up at his doorstep and share the information.

They went to Babylon that night and Justin lost himself in the music and dance. As before, he danced at the back of the club, hoping to avoid Brian or any of the family. Brian was back, as evidenced by his meeting a few weeks ago, but he had no idea if the family knew of his illness. It still hurt too much to be with them and talk as if nothing had changed, when his life had taken a different path. 

Brian went toward the back room and glanced at the sea of dancers, his eyes gravitating toward the beautiful blond in their midst. A pull in his gut hit him as he watched Justin dance. He missed Justin. It was more than a physical urge, he could get any number of guys to suck him off or who were willing participants in the Kinney line of conquests. He missed their conversation, their banter, but most of all he missed his companionship. He would never admit it to anyone, but he had gotten used to having someone at the loft. While Justin drove him mad to distraction with his disregard for putting his possessions away, he missed feeling that someone was in the loft. He liked occasionally coming home to one of Justin’s forays into cooking and he definitely didn’t mind waking up in the night or early morning with an eager cock at his side. 

Brian walked toward the dancers and came up behind Justin. Justin did not see him but his body was still attuned to Brian and he felt his senses go on high alert when he approached. Brian leaned in and whispered in his ear.

“Let’s go to the back room.”

Justin turned around and looked Brian right in the eyes, hissing as he responded. “So it’s okay to want me now? When you want your needs met, you’ll allow me in your presence. Well, Mr. Kinney. I am not some trick who is dying for a fuck from the great Brian Kinney. I can get my dick sucked by any number of willing men and if I want to fuck them, that is fine too. You made it abundantly clear that you did not want me in your life. So fuck off.” Justin turned around and continued dancing. 

Brian backed away, but he knew he wasn’t finished. He’d made a mistake and he knew he had to fix this. Brian Kinney knew how to fix things, he was good at that, but he just needed to figure out how. 

Justin continued to dance, but his good mood had vanished. After a few more songs, he found Daphne and they left the club, returning to their apartment.

“Can you believe Brian had the audacity to proposition me on the dance floor?” Justin said as he walked into the bathroom, stripping off his shirt. Closing the bathroom door, he yelled, “He just thinks that if he says fuck, I’ll stop everything and drop my pants. Not happening!!” Justin turned on the water in the shower, adjusted the temperature and stepped in. After a quick shower to rid himself of the stench of smoke, he stepped out and joined Daphne in the living room. She was sipping a cup of hot chocolate and watching HGTV. 

“So Brian propositioned you? You’re not interested? Not even a little?”

“Daphne, he kicked me out.”

“Yeah, he did, but you can’t tell me that you haven’t missed him. I remember it wasn’t that long ago that you couldn’t even get out of bed because you were so distraught. Now, you’re totally over him and don’t want anything to do with him?”

“I do miss him. Actually, I do want to talk to him. I need to understand why he kicked me out, wouldn’t let me help him. I just don’t know if I can do it. I mean, can I trust him not to throw me off the cliff again? I can’t do this again.”

Daphne hugged him and said, “I understand. Do you think he would talk to you if you tried meeting him?”

“Not really. He’d probably have me in his bed in less than 5 minutes and you know what, Daphne, I’d probably go willingly. I miss him, but I just don’t know if I can be with him.” He paced the small room, running his hands through his hair and over his face. 

“Justin come sit down. Talk to me. You’ve never really talked to me about what happened.” She patted the seat next to her on the couch.

Justin sat, pulling one of the throw pillows to his chest and hugging it tightly. “I told you. I found out he had cancer after I listened to a message on his phone. He wasn’t even going to tell me he had cancer. Not sure he was even planning on telling anyone, but I had to tell someone and I told Michael. He promised not to say anything to Brian, but then the next night, I go over with some movies and suggest we not go out and he figures out that I know. He tells me he doesn’t need my pity and to get out.” A tear rolled down his cheek. “It was terrible, Daph. Here was the man I love and he had a deadly disease. He wouldn’t let me be with him, he wouldn’t accept my help. I worried about him for days. I wanted to help him, to take care of him.” Justin cried tears of frustration and anger. He finally let all his pent up emotions out. 

Daphne reached out to hug him, cradling him in her arms. She rubbed his back and rocked him until he was spent. 

“Daphne, should I try again? I miss him so much.”

“You have to talk to him. I’m not going to tell you what to do, but you need to decide what you want.”

“Brian Kinney doesn’t talk.”

“Maybe he will. Maybe, he’s feeling the same as you.”

“I’ll think about it. I just don’t know if I can put myself out there.”

“Justin, you’ll never know unless you try.”

Justin yawned. “I’m beat. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Justin went into the bedroom and crawled under the covers, falling into an exhausted sleep. He dreamed of Brian, lying in his arms and being his partner. 

In the morning he was still sleeping when Daphne woke up. She decided that she would help move things along. She dressed quickly and made her way to the Loft. It was Saturday and Brian would hopefully be sleeping in. She banged on the door until he opened it. 

“What happened? Is Justin okay? Tell me, he is okay,” Brian said as he looked at his visitor, the fear showing on his furrowed eyebrows. 

“He’s fine, you asshole. No thanks to you. You kicked him out when he tried to help you. He cares about you and he is fucking scared to tell you because Brian Kinney doesn’t do relationships. Brian Kinney is too proud to need help. If you want Justin in your life, then you need to tell him and stop throwing him off the fucking cliff.”

“I care about him.”

“Well, you have a strange way of showing him.”

“Okay. I get it. You are a real pitbull.”

“You better make this right. Now, I’ve got to go before sleeping beauty wakes up.”

Brian closed the door and walked to the bathroom, turning the shower on and stepping inside. He washed quickly and went to his closet to pick out some clothes. He thought of the numerous times that Justin watched him dress to go out and his frequent comments about all his black shirts. He told him that he couldn’t tell the difference between one black shirt and another. Justin would tell him he was just a fashion queen and Brian would laugh. He took one last look in the mirror and said, “I’d fuck me.” 

Brian drove to Daphne’s apartment, stopping to get a coffee from Starbucks. He grabbed one for him and one for Justin. He knocked on Daphne’s door and she opened it, letting him in. She pointed to the bedroom where Justin was still sleeping. 

He mouthed thank you to her and brought in the coffee to the room. He looked at Justin, sleeping in the bed and remembered many mornings where he watched the beautiful man sleep. He was so peaceful. He waved the coffee under Justin’s nose and waited while the strong aroma registered.

“Coffee,” Justin said as he slowly opened his eyes. Seeing Brian, he was confused. He looked around the room verifying he was still at Daphne’s. He sat up in bed, the blankets slipping down and exposing his chest. 

“Why? What? How…” he asked as he looked at Brian, not really sure what to think about the man standing by his bed.

“I’m sorry. Yes, I know I always say sorry is bullshit, but I’m beginning to learn that sometimes sorry is necessary. I never should have kicked you out. I need you, Justin.”

Justin looked at Brian, stunned to hear the words “I’m sorry” come out of his mouth. He knew he wanted this man and he was willing to try again. “Okay,” he said, “but we need to talk.”

Brian handed him his coffee and said, “I know. We should talk.”

Brian sat down on the bed, sipping his coffee, inhaling the aroma and the unique smell of Justin. There truly was no better way to start his day.

The end


End file.
